In womb. Wholeness with no opposite.
Total security here. Total comfort.
Now suddenly, without warning, utter violence.
Thrown out of womb – though I do not know this yet.
All too much! Too much strangeness! Too much stimulus!
Where is womb?
Where is okay?
Scream for womb.
Cry for womb.
Strange feelings. Strange sounds. Strange sensations.
Do not understand. Overwhelmed.
No name for any of it. No way of comprehending anything.
Too much of everything!
Saved from not okay.
Comfort is ‘mother’, though I do not know this yet.
Everything is okay. Stroked. Comforted. Shhhhh, baby, nothing to fear.
All feels good again.
Stange feelings seem okay in this womb-away-from-womb.
Mother is womb, out here.
Suddenly mother gone.
Womb gone. Life gone.
Alone with strangeness and unknowability of things.
Perhaps thought itself begins here:
There is womb, and there is absence of womb.
Something there, something gone.
Womb is there, and womb is gone again.
In womb, there was just womb. Everything was womb. Womb had no opposite.
Out here, womb disappears without warning.
Ah. A vague understanding coming to life somewhere:
Mother (other) can give womb. Mother (other) can take away womb.
There is other. Other can take away womb.
Other gives womb to ‘self’, and takes it away again.
Overwhelmed again. Screaming. Tears.
Mother comes. Womb again.
Everything is okay.
Mother disappears. Screaming. Crying.
Mother comes back.
Screaming for mother brings mother, eventually.
Screaming for other, in time, brings womb.
Something here influences something there.
Screaming brings mother, doesn’t it?
Mother doesn’t come.
Left to die by womb-giver! Scream louder. Still no mother.
No control. Alone with overwhelming, strange, mysterious feelings with no name.
No name for anything!
Before, screaming brought mother. Now screaming doesn’t bring mother.
Mother is gone. Death is coming.
Screaming louder. No mother.
No consistency here!
No sense to it!
Left to die by mother! Left to face life alone!
Fear of life. Fear of death. Same fear.
Want womb. Long for wholeness.
Cry for wholeness.
Fight for wholeness.
Shit for wholeness.
Scream in the night for wholeness.
Sometimes screaming happens then mother comes.
Sometimes screaming happens then no mother.
‘This’ can somehow influence ‘that’.
But it’s not consistent.
Long for simplicity of womb.
This is chaos.
I can make other give me what I want.
I can get what I want from other.
But other can also take away what I have.
Other can make things okay.
But other can also take away the okay and bring the not okay.
I can give okay to other.
I can please mother.
When mother is pleased she gives me okay.
When mother is not pleased she takes away okay.
I can give mother okay, and I can take away mother’s okay.
I can control my world to get okay.
I am a someone who can control other someones.
Controlling shuts out chaos.
Still want womb.
Still long for wholeness.
Want to shut out chaos forever.
Now wholeness is found in other places. In all sorts of ways I can get okay.
And in all sorts of ways okay can be taken away.
Still long for womb.
The world is like a womb in which womb can be given and taken away.
A giant womb that I learn to navigate.
I seek womb in the giant womb.
Now it’s no longer just about mother. It’s about father, sister, brother. It’s about cat, dog, spaghetti, bird. Arm, leg, toes. So much stuff here. So many ways of getting okay.
So many names.
Womb is expanding. I seek wholeness in all of it.
I become more creative in my womb seeking.
I seek daddy’s approval. I seek little Anabel’s love at school. I seek sex with beautiful women. I seek money, wealth, power. I seek worldly success. I seek spiritual enlightenment.
I am looking for wholeness in the womb-world.
I still long for the womb, where there was no threat of womb-absence.
I long for the end of the possibility of womb-absence.
All the money in the world won’t do it. All the sex in the world, all the spiritual experiences in the world cannot rid me of the possibility of womb-absence.
I have money, I lose money.
I have relationship, I lose relationship.
I have spiritual experience, I lose spiritual experience.
Okay turns to not okay so easily.
Chaos underneath it all.
I work hard. I am a success. Suddenly, without warning, I lose it all.
I did everything ‘right’ and I lost it all.
I was ‘good’ and I lost it all.
I was ‘pure’ and ‘enlightened’ and I lost it all.
Underneath the adult personality, or even within it, the womb-loving baby still lives.
I lose my job. I cry for wholeness.
I lose my health. I wail for wholeness.
I lose my rights. I shit myself for wholeness.
I lose my relationship. I drink myself to oblivion for wholeness.
I lose my mind. I scream in the night for wholeness.
I lose everything I have. I feel abandoned by wholeness.
I’m left to die here.
Abandoned by life. Abandoned by womb.
Nothing I can do to keep womb here permanently.
I seek absence of possibility of womb-absence in time.
But time always seems to take away womb, eventually.
Time takes away chaos, but time also brings womb-absence.
What to do? What to do?
Who can help?
And then it’s recognised:
I was never ‘in’ the womb. So I cannot be ‘out’ of it.
What I am is what I am – the scenery has changed, that’s all.
It is all womb. Life is womb. Life is wholeness.
And within this life-womb, I seek womb.
I have been seeking that which is already here.
This is womb.
This is already whole.
I was never separate from this.
Now I no longer look to mother, father, sister, brother, lover, employer, teacher, guru to provide womb.
They are liberated from the burden of having to provide womb.
I am liberated from the threat of womb-absence.
Life is complete.
It was already complete, even back in the womb.
It has never not been complete.
Womb was never really absent. It simply changed form, that’s all.
Womb became world.
Essentially, nothing has changed since those womb days.
Today is a womb day.
Embraced by the womb of life.
Sights, sounds, smells, thoughts, feelings. All expressions of the life-womb.
Totally embraced, here, always.
In womb. Wholeness with no opposite.
No possibility of womb-absence.
We seek womb to avoid the tomb.
But seeking womb was the tomb.
Though even the tomb was simply womb.